Maurice Ently

Swan V's Mini Cooper

2006-02-05T17:09:00.000Z

Victor Meldrew, Larry David, Will Self and Maurice Ently. Today I joined the ranks of grumpy old men, despite being a young, not too grumpy, woman.

We awoke to a beautifully crisp sunday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and we decided to go out for a nice leisurely walk around Box Hill (which is a 20 min drive away). We jumped into my, on it's last legs, old style (ie; actually mini) mini cooper and hit the road in good spirits.

About 10 mins into our journey we trundled along a bog standard residential street to find a middle aged WI type in a red cardigan directing traffic from the route we intended to take, right up an unmade road with homemade speedbumps which, no matter how slow i went, scraped the shit out of the bottom of my car. I was fucked off - fucking spedbumps, don't get me started, this blog is about something else that irks me.

I drove over one, saw a few more ahead and decided to turn back to insist on driving ahead as we intended. The reason we couldn't go ahead was because there was a swan SITTING in the middle of the road....A SWAN!!!!

As you can imagine - the local villigers hadn't been so excited since mrs miggins cat got stuck in her bush! They were all out in full force. Old women with twin sets and pearls, old men in wellingtons and wax jackets, middle aged men in cardigans still living with mummy and daddy and.....worst of all....one of those community volunteer officers in his 'please take me seriously' flourescent waistcoat.

In a controlled rage i approached Mrs Miggins - now fully recovered - and Special cuntstubble gareth and began;

"I cannot take this alternative route as it is seriously damaging the underside of my car, can't we just beep the horn or shoo it out of the way?"

Look of horror on both faces

"Well no, we can't scare him, we have called the RSPCA and they are on their way"

"When did you call them?"

"About 10 minutes ago"

"And when do you expect them?"

"Well tey said it was a code 1 situation"

"Is that like code red"

"What's code red?"

"I don't know...it doesn't matter, can't I just drive around it?"

"No it will be too frightening for the poor little fella"

"Ok..do you think that woman in the red cardigan would be willing to pay my garage bill?"

Blank faces....

"I don't think that is standard protocol in this situation"

I give up. I get back into car. I rev my engine in anger and in the hope that it will shift the swan - the swan doesn't move - in fact, I think he looks smugly at me as he settles down for the duration.

I headed back the way we came and we changed out plans and went elsewhere.

It got me thinking about English people. On the whole we are complete and utter cunts. 'A nation of animal lovers', a country with the highest divorce rates in europe and those not divorced often live quietly miserable lives. Why? because we are emotionally retarded, the 'stiff upper lip', put on a brave face, lie back and think of england (quite literally get shafted and put up with it, it's your duty) all these cliches associated with 'The English'

If we, as a nation, cared as much for one another (and could express it) as we do for bloody animals then we would be a lot better for it.

Why should the whole of Leatherhead be put out for the sake of a stupid swan. We ARE more important and our needs should come first. Ok, perhaps I wouldn't have run it over, but the whole softly softly, don't scare it bollocks was too much.

We all sit down and munch on a juicy bit of cow, whilst wearing them on our shoes and backs, we are oh so grateful when medicine tested on animals serves us well but a whole village comes to a halt when a dumb bird can't be arsed to fly away. Let's not hurt him because he looks beautiful.....ok, would we have ben as bothered if it was a rat?

I think not.

Bloody villigers.

Bloody England!

Cowboys my arse...a pair of namby pamby sheepherders!

2006-01-22T09:53:00.000Z

COLLEAGUE
"What are you doing tonight Maurice?"

ME
"Going to see Brokeback Mountain"

COLLEAGUE
"Oh that's that gay cowboy film"

ME
"It surely is"

COLLEAGUE
"Urrrr I hate that shit"

ME
"What shit?"

COLLEAGUE
"You know, gay stuff like that"

ME
"But I thought you were gay!"

COLLEAGUE - shifting from one foot to the other
"Nah nah, not me mate"

ME
"So you don't like gays"

COLLEAGUE
"Nah, it's not that, i've got nothing against gays....I just don't like Gay Cowboys"

ME
!!!

How many gay cowboys could a slightly slow middle eastern man living in croydon have met?

So off I went to see some gay cowboy action with my delightful significant other. The cinema was pretty busy and our screen almost full. On arrival I scanned the room.
To my right were a large mixed group of 15-16 year olds, behind me a couple of lesbians in their early forties (the sexuality isn't an assumption based on elvis hairstyles and ill fitting slacks, they were talking loudly about 'their experiences' - the age is an assumption), in front sat three generations of one family, the eldest of which must have been about 75. So a broad and balanced mix of people.

I knew nothing about this film, other than the description of it as a

'gay western'.

It turns out that my other half knew even less and was very disappointed to see a 60's pick up truck in the first scene.

"I thought this was an old western...where are the injins?"
"No..it's set in 1960's-80's"
"I wouldn't have come if i'd known that...i love old westerns"

mmmmmmmmmmm, me thinking he don't quite get that we haven't come to see jeremiah jones.

So here we are watching a film which is being talked about as a gay western, if you know nothing else about this film you must know that it is about two men who have a relationship, yet when the first love scene is shown the teenagers laugh and mutter things like 'that's well gay' (for once, unlike the inanimate ruler or pencil tin, they have used the term in the appropriate context).
The lesbians coo and caw about how beautiful it is, the old people shuffle uncomfortably and I cry like a little baby.

Meanwhile, my other half is becoming increasingly irked by the lack of 'action' in the traditional western sense of the word

"I mean they didn't even try and fight that bear, a real cowboy would have done. they're not even herding cows either, it's bloody sheep"

I composed myself and continued to watch one of the most beautifully portrayed but ultimately tragic love stories I have ever seen unfold.

Perhaps it was because of recent events in my life, perhaps it was because of the saddnes I felt on behalf of some of my friends grappling with their sexuality, perhaps it was simply because i'm a sukker for a love story, whatever the reason I sobbed my little heart out from start to finish.

I highly recommend this film. YES it's slow and NO there are no sign of indians, gun fights, swinging saloon doors and busty wenches therein but it's very moving.

The sexuality of the central characters is not THE issue, in fact, certainly one of them simply wasn't gay! It is about two people who feel a connection, who communicate with one another in a way that they can't communicate with others, who are drawn to one another on an emotional and spiritual level, who feel passion for one another and express it in the most natural of ways. It is a classic love story.

The director has achieved something quite remarkable in that, as a viewer, you really believe the love that exists between these two men, and you really believe that it continues to grow deeper over a period of 20 years AND you want them to be together, you don't care that they are gay, you don't care what others will think, or even that they will leave their wives, you just want them to be togetether.

The film raised the following issues for me:

- why so many people do what is expected of them rather than what they truly feel is right for them
- how hard it must be to be part of a minority group in an area where your particular 'minority' are despised and even attacked
- whether i would be brave enough to challenege the recvieved wisdom of my family and community if it meant ostracising (!) myself and putting myself in danger
- how so many things conspire to complicate something as simple as love
- how so many people behave/don't behave in a certain way in the hope of being with god in some magical kingdom in the clouds, even if it means making huge sacrifices on earth - the only existence we can be SURE of
- The way in which we decieve ourselves and others

i know this is rushed and rambling but it's been a while since i blogged about anything so i need to get back in the saddle and slowly rebuild my blogging skills.

99% Persperation

2005-11-24T20:41:00.000Z

Totally forgot about this little fella
spoke to grant today
he reminded me to blog

He also gave me 9-2 odds on it snowing in the south east at christmas

WHEN are we going to have a white christmas?

Last year
March....April...snow!!
but december?
November, January, February....Snow, but december??

does anyone else rather fancy gordon ramsey?

Make this white band history

2005-08-28T17:51:00.000+01:00

Does anyone know how i can get rid of this irritating white band slashed across my blog?

Moral dilemma

2005-06-29T22:20:00.000+01:00

You are on your way to buy a paper from the local newsagents.

Hanging around outside is a male chav of roughly 15 years of age
he waves a fiver in front of you and asks you to buy him 20 B&H (Cigarettes)
He can't get served because he is underage.

Do you buy them for him?

Countdown to Death

2005-06-26T23:26:00.000+01:00

So Richard Whitely is dead.
Why does this upset me?

Buddha reckons that anytime you feel sadness over something someone has told you that is unrelated to you it is because it taps into some sadness you are experiencing anyway....so....conclusion, I must be sad!

But....hang on a minute....basement Jaxx are covering Kylie's "Can't get you outta my head" at Glasters and it is a really good cover so that's picked us (Thistle and I) up out of the doldrums.

Talking of Buddha
The notion behind Buddhism
as I understand it
is that you have to find happiness within yourself
rather than depend on other people for happiness
whoever they might be

Is this really possible?
What makes you happy?

Thistle wants me to call this post "The Conundrum"
I don't want to.

Withering Prose

2005-06-20T20:32:00.000+01:00

Ok....so I was reading my cousin Frank's blog the other day and he has a post all about books including - How thick his collection is, those that mean a lot to him etc etc and I have decided (prompted by cousin Frank) to do my own run down.

1. Number of books I own:
This is a tough one. I'm a bit of a hoarder and particularly like having plenty of books around. However, at the moment I haven't. Having recently separated from my husband most of my books remain at 'our' flat. On top of this I have dumped a load of books in my dad's attic until such time as I have something more than a shoebox to live in. So.....are you still there?...I have, here now, in my flat, only about 200 books, but, in total I reckon (including those bought jointly with Richard...what's mine is his, and his mine...or was!) about 600 ish.

2. Last book I Bought:
"Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour" by Kate Fox. I bought this whilst at Waterloo station having just met my brother from Eurostar. I dragged him into WH Smith to buy him a sudoku puzzle book (he contained his excitement) and, from there, he bought "A year in the Merde" which, I gather, is about an Englishman's experiences and observations of living in Paris (as my brother does). This was a great opportunity for Steve to tell me some hilarious tales of misinterpretations and misunderstandings between him and 'The French' (though for some of them I don't think you really needed to be French...I think he was just being a little unclear). Anyway...and I bought this!

3. Last book I read:
"Woody Allen's Complete Prose" - Funny, tiring, hard work, clever, dark and woody allenlike!

4. Five books that mean a lot to me:

a)"Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte".
A rather dark but moving love story....I'm sure I don't need to go on...we all know it! I just love this novel. I love the notion that there really is one person who is your soul mate. Who, without, you become broken hearted and die;

"Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

Heathcliff passionatley pleading with Catherine not to leave him after she has died. Altogether now.....

b) "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.
Again...we all know the tale. A morality tale - the best kind! But that's not why I love it. Firstly and simply, I love Christmas and no Christmas is complete without reading this. Secondly and more importantly (in terms of why it means a lot to me) my dad always used to read Dickens to me as a child. I loved Dickens when most kid's were enjoying 'My cat likes to hide in Boxes'. Anyone who knows my dad, knows that he is a rather eccentric but lovable old chap. He exists on that line between genius and insanity (though he rather plays up to the insanity bit). His love of literature and his ability to recall and retell stories he has read/heard over the past 70 years is a hugely endearing quality. He loves Dickens (as I do) because of the fantastic and vivid characterisation and he's not far off being a Dickens character himself. So....because I love Christmas and I love my dad and the happy memories of him it evokes, I include this book!

c)"A Theory of Justice" by John Rawls
I didn't particularly enjoy reading this book but it means a lot to me because it forms the basis of my Masters in Political Philosophy. I'll be honest, I struggled with it, but when I finally grasped it I felt an enourmous sense of achievement and, though I don't agree with all Rawls rambles on about, I found his theory interesting.

d) "Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger
Just love the way it is written. Excellent opening paragraph:

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

Angst ridden teenage years. Thankfully I no longer exist in that time, but I lived it once and I identified with this book...so, it appears here now.

e) "Tony Benn Diaries: Free at Last! 1991-2001"
Introduced to me by my ex-husband this is a most moving, humorous and intersting book. As always (with such political diaries) I am interested more in the human emotion than the stuff of party politics and Tony Benn writes with bucketloads of it. His account of the illness and death of his beloved wife Caroline moved me to tears and his critique of 'New Labour' had me racked with cognitive dissonance. A truly principled man and a great read!

I gather the idea is now to pass the baton on and nominate someone to publish their own book run-down. I nominate Grant, Richard and Dom.

ps: Since not being with Richard (who was mr techno) I have reverted to being a complete techno incompetent. Can't seem to link, so addresses below refer to above blogs:

Frank = www.internetcommentator.typepad.com
Grant = www.hawkesmorenomore.blogspot.com
Thistle = www.thistlebright.blogspot.com
Dom = www.shoethesaviour.blogspot.com

ps: I'm excited by the prospect of doing a 'film' version of this. This may cause upset amongst the intellectually snobbish, but I say, just for the fun of it, let's do it! All in favour, Post!

Enjoy the Silence

2005-06-09T23:12:00.000+01:00

The Independent
Crosswords
SuDokus
Buts Chan Mining
Tubskey Titstart
Duty
Harry Hill
wilfull misinterpretation
red wine on the ceiling
My big phone
sketching
Matisse
Rome
black hairs
hoover stairs
gifted and talented
silly puns
stolen gags
monday's shirt
letter of application
shoes
sadness and hurt
rent-a-gorm
sausage sangwiches
thai curry
friendly landlord
reprographics
crap impressions
lunch
fridge poetry
trivial pursuit
john craven
tommorow
remeber
happiness
soul
and
silence

Su Doku

2005-05-15T22:11:00.000+01:00

One of my all time favourite people introduced me to something called Su Doku recently. I gather it is sweeping the nation (well the nurds of the nation) by storm. For those of you that don't know it is a number puzzle whereby you must input a number between 1-9 (and in some cases letters A-F) in each row horizontally, verticaly AND in each box.

I wasn't sure i'd like Su Doku when first introduced to it, not least because some loser at work who scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers is a Su Doku fan, but because i've always been right hemisphere dominant (if that is the side that isn't great with numbers) BUT I have always loved a challenge and am supremo competative, so it could have gone either way. As it turns out, I love Su Dokuing and am pretty great at it. Without any help from anyone else I recently completed the most difficult one EVER set and won a palm top as a result of getting it all right.

In short - Su Doku is a fun and addictive pastime for all. I'm BRILLIANT at it.
You will find one in most newspapers these days. I recommend The Independent.

ps: does anyone else feel physically sick when they see/hear either robbie OR robin williams?

Who really cares?

2005-05-03T21:35:00.000+01:00

I went to visit some relations in Ireland recently, one of whom I have known 'of' but never had any kind of relationship 'with' - a first cousin. This cousin of mine 'blogs' and it is through blogging that I came to know him a little better. The plan was that I stay with my Aunt and Uncle, an aunt and uncle who know that I don't know this cousin. It came as a surprise to them when he rang to see if I had arrived.

On arriving at Dublin airport my Aunt said:

"Frank rang to let you know he'll be in The Clermont tonight if you want to join them"

I could tell by the way she said it that she was itching to know exaclty how this came about. I felt the need to explain.

"Oh" says I
"Yeah frank and I have been in touch over the blogs"

(not thinking for one moment that this would mean ANYTHING to her)

"What's a blog" she asked (the first of about 10 times I was asked throughout my 4 day stay)

I found myself saying the following:

"it's kinda like an online diary....only not really, in that it's not private and it's not really common to type your innermost thoughts. I suppose it's more like an opportunity to write down your opinions on certain issues and gather responses from other people"

"What??? why would anyone be interested in that" she said

I went on:

"well (now clutching at straws) for example, with friends and family living in other countries it's a nice way to keep up with each other and maybe understand one another a little better."

I carried on (I shouldn't have)

"Like the other day i put a picture of a mango on my blog and said that i like peeling ripe mangos" (Even as I say it I think I sound mentally ill.....I'm assuming she does too)

*Laughter* (AT me)

"Why would ANYONE want to know that?"

I had no answer to that. The truth is they probably don't.

No matter how much I tried to explain the joys of blogging they (now uncle and cousins too) weren't really buying it. I think it's now generally agreed that they think i'm a bit odd and a bit egotistical....but then I guess I am so what's the harm.

It did get me thinking though about what a funny pursuit it is. Maybe not in Franks case but in mine....it does seem a little pointless. BUT, though i've been away for a while, I do enjoy it....so i guess that's the point!
Whether anyone else does is another question.

what dreams may come?

2005-04-02T00:04:00.000+01:00

late nights
interrupted sleep
early mornings
drinking
smoking
fragile
being gossiped about
eating peanut m&m's
listening to nick cave
missing deadlines
dumping work on everyone else who isn't getting paid for it
sleeping on sofas
taking buses
shopping at asda
laughing and joking
crying
lisa and grant
dreams of what might be

ok grant....eat your heart out.....worth the wait?

Opinions Please

2005-02-25T18:24:00.000Z

Funny funny man?

Ricky gervais: Comedy Genius or irritating petulant child?

More Than This?

2005-02-17T21:49:00.000Z

Bryan with a Y

I decided tonight, with a deadline looming, that it was about time I ordered the textbook I need for my course. I always feel like I have to buy more than one thing when I am on Amazon otherwise I will have to pay two delivery charges. Having (again) recently watched ‘lost in translation’ I wanted to buy the song 'more than this' that bob sings to charley in the karaoke scene. I had no idea who sang this. As it turns out it is by Roxy Music (I’m sure those of you older than me would have known that) so I bought this album. Well it is cheap - wonder why. also bought 'Kingpin' and 'Groundhog day’ as I was having a Bill Murray moment.
So, as usual, I found something to do other than work.
I will now mark books. I hate marking. Ask any teacher, it is the worst part of the job, never mind that bollocks about kids being a nightmare these days, try sifting through the shit they write every 7 months!

Will the real Jennifer Rush please stand up.....

2005-02-14T22:37:00.000Z

white?

.....actually, don't bother love, no one knows who you are anyway.

Not since Michael Jackson has anyone managed to look like three completley different people in as many decades. OK in Jackos case he may well be made up of three different people.

And another thing - Just because it is line that deserves to be repeated and committed to print, Talking head, David quantick said of Whitney Housten that she holds a note like Michael Jackson holds a baby.
make of that what you will, I found it very funny.

2005-02-14T22:36:00.001Z

mixed race?

2005-02-14T22:36:00.000Z

kylie?

Richard - A Valentines Tribute

2005-02-13T15:17:00.000Z

My husband isn’t perfect (Sorry to break that to you all) but here are some nice things about him:

He smiled at me, leaned over and touched my hand when I had a face like thunder and was in a rotten mood yesterday

I think he is capable of doing anything he wants to do

He will be prime minister one day

I would choose him above anyone else as my ‘phone a friend’

He does a duck thing with his hands

He gets enjoyment from buying DVDs and cd's - I like that we can share this pleasure

He doesn't suffer fools

He is extremely principled

He does the dishes

He has a nice voice and wide vocabulary

He looks cute still in bed when i leave for work in the morning

He hugs me

He knows I don’t like purdeys, fish and raw tomatoes and can make me tea like I like it

He only sees the post 16 yr old me and doesn’t buy into the bullshit my family sometimes purport about my rebellious teenage yrs

He won’t shop at kwik save

He is compassionate

He sticks his tongue out whenever he is concentrating

He is endlessly patient with my dad who talks a lot and is a bit mad

He reads lots of books quickly

Though he is cleverer than everyone around him, he has no time for people who feel the need to show off their intelligence

He brought Tivo and wireless LAN into my life

LOVE LOVE LOVE

2005-02-11T21:59:00.000Z

It matters

I love a good love story. I am such a romantic, but it does the image I have attempted to purvey no good! I think I am seen by many, including my pupils, as a bit ascerbic, and I’m happy with this image, in fact it is one I have cultivated, BUT it’s not real, I’m ridiculously soft natured and a hopeless romantic. I felt it apt to post this blog in the run up to Valentines Day. Today I found myself describing ‘Gladiator’ as a love story, then when questioned about my reasons for this I found myself saying that, I fact, all films are love stories!!! Of course that’s not true, but many are, and certainly many of my favourites are. So the following is my tribute to all time best luuuurrvve films. Dedicated to all those in love. Whether the path of true love runs smoothly or not, don’t give up on it because, while it’s not ALL you need, it’s pretty fucking special:

In no particular order:

a) Lost in Translation
b) When Harry Met Sally
c) Shrek
d) Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
e) Gladiator
f) Betty Blue
g) L’Apartament
h) Love story
i) Annie hall
j) American beauty
k) The office (Dawn and Tim – ok not a film but I love it)
l) West side story

OK now songs – because I’ve got carried away.

Again in no particular order:

a) God only knows (Beach Boys)
b) Haunted (Shane Mcgowan/Sinead O’Cconnor)
c) Into my arms (Nick Cave)
d) Halo (The Cure)
e) What it’s like to be beautiful (Lena Fiagbe)
f) Bedshaped (keane)
g) I threw it all away (Dylan)
h) No more shall we part (Nick Cave)
i) (Are you) the one I’ve been waiting for (nick cave)
j) How soon is now (The Smiths)
k) I know it’s gonna happen someday (Morrissey)
l) Still (Macy Gray)

Some things:
I see Charlie and Camilla for the love story that it is. I’m not interested in hearing the ‘threat to the monarchy’ bollocks – they love each other and have done for decades, now they can finally declare their love publicly – something they should have done a LONG time ago!!!!!

When I was about 13 I had a real crush on my brothers mate Lee Milner and I rang heart 106.2 “cuddle on the couch” and dedicated a love song to him – it may well have been ‘Heart – Alone’ though it pains me to say it.

“So if you find someone that gives you all of her love,
take it to your heart, don’t let it stray.
For one thing that’s certain,
You will surely be hurtin,
If you throw it all away” (Dylan 1969)

Happy valentines day. LOVE to all and to all a good night
xx

Would you Adam and Eve it?

2005-01-30T19:56:00.000Z

Pretty bird

I only mentioned the problem of evil as an aside to express that getting pissed midweek isn't a great idea when you have a job which requires you to be on the ball all the time. This started as a reply in the comments page but ended up being so long that it has become it’s own post.

Perhaps there is a God who created humans with free will so as to give meaning to the very act of creation. The idea being that people freely choose to love him and behave in such a way that brings them to eternal existence with the creator. IF God does exist and has given us free will then the laws of nature must also be fixed so that we can investigate, understand and predict the world around us and make free choices about our actions within it. God would not, for example, stop a rock from falling on someone by making it hover until they moved, or alter the law of gravity whenever anyone wanted to jump out of a window, because by doing so he would interfere with our free choice (if for example my choice is to kill you by chucking rocks at you).

It follows from this that natural 'evil' will occur and a god who wants us to be free chooses not to interfere when it does. It could be argued that god does exist and is both omnipotent and benevolent - he abhors evil, could prevent it but chooses not to since doing so would mean that we are no longer free.

A couple of other things:
1) Of course there is an argument to say that we are not and never could be truly free, that freedom always and everywhere is an illusion.

2) Supposed miracles call into question god’s benevolence, if he is willing to prevent some 'evils' why not others.

3) Euthyphros dilemma highlights the problem Frank mentioned, either Something is good because god commands it (in which case things are not good in themselves) so hypothetically god could command killing and it would be 'good' to do simply because god commanded it (god can't therefore be benevolent) OR God commands certain actions because they are good - so there is a standard of goodness independent of god which God refers to in order to command it (so god is not omnipotent)

4) The ontological argument suggests that what is meant by GOD is "That than which nothing greater can be conceived" and since it is better to exist in reality than hypothetically (e.g; it is better to have £10 in my hand than to dream of having £1000) God (that than which nothing greater can be conceived) must exist, even in a world with evil

5) My dad’s response “Bloody women!, if Eve hadn’t eaten that flippin apple….”

My personal conclusion: The notion of a God (as articulated to me through Catholicism) makes no sense to my intellect. I’m not even sure it makes sense to me for people to want there to be a God. However, I am an emotional person more heart led than head and my spiritual self requires no explanation - intuitively and emotionally I believe, in the same way that I love. Neither faith, nor love, always makes sense to me but it doesn’t stop them from being real to me. I’m happy to hear arguments against the existence of God (and have done) but they can only ever change my thinking and faith Is not stored in my intellect.

I’ll conclude by making a clear distinction between faith and religious practice. In book 1 of his Treatise on Human Nature Hume writes, “Errors in religion are dangerous, those in philosophy only ridiculous”. Whilst I can empathise that it is frustrating for atheists (such as Frank) to hear someone say that their faith cannot be altered by logic since it resides in a place logic doesn’t reach, it is dangerous to be so immovable when reasoned thinking and a concern for humanity show that some religious practices should be abandoned – For religious law and practice ARE born out of the intellect.

Cobra, Wireless and Me

2005-01-26T23:12:00.000Z

It's......what?......11 something on a cold wednesday in January. Wednesday is midweek drinking day. After 4 bottles of Cobra I am sat here downloading songs from limewire and listening to them via a wireless techno thingy that enables me to hear songs through a) the TV, b) my ipod, c) the stereo d) the toaster. .....I don't get all this but my husband works 'In Computers' and I benefit from the futuristic toys he gets through work.

As I write I am listening to "Thinking about you" by Radiohead and will move on to 'Take me to the river' by talking heads (good version). What a nice evening!

.....However, In less than 9 hours I will have to face 30 14 yr olds all 'keen' (ahem) to know about the problem of evil. Not sure I'll be up to it!
lesson plan:
Evil exists
It's shit
God might/might not exist
the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive
you decide , i'm hungover!

My Cousin Frank

2005-01-26T20:02:00.000Z

I have 26 first cousins
One of which is Frank McGahon
Read his blog:
internet commentator

I think you'll enjoy it. I do.

One of lifes pleasures......

2005-01-26T19:58:00.000Z

mmmmmmmm

........peeling a ripe mango (as i have just done for my dinner).

By Jove I Think She's Got It!!

2005-01-24T22:25:00.000Z

My sweets

2005-01-24T22:21:00.000Z

My eye

First day at school

2005-01-24T21:52:00.000Z

Great day at blog school today. I learned how to post a photo of my eye and some Bassett's Fruit Allsorts (no liquorice)

and how to link

"smoke on your pipe and put that in"

As it turns out

2005-01-23T19:56:00.000Z

On Saturday morning as I was feeling a little hungover I responded to my husbands question:

"Would you like anything from the shops dear?" (Yes we really do speak to each other like that!)

with:
"Real lemonade please"

Now you'd think i'd be happy that he had gone to the shops and saved me the bother but all I could do was moan when he walked into the house with what I believed was STILL real lemonade.

"How could you" I shouted. Annoyed with myself that I hadn't specified FIZZY.

"Besides" He protested, "I think it is fizzy"

"It's clearly not fizzy darling" I went on.

We decided to stop arguing about lemonade and continue with our day. I put the lemonade in the fridge and forgot all about it until just now 34 hours later.
Convinced it was STILL and in an attempt to unsettle the pulp thus spreading the flavour, I shook the bottle.....

......It's fizzy!

There's no PROBABLY about it.... that song IS about me!

2005-01-23T17:00:00.000Z

Before anyone else does, I hold my hands up and accuse my own of being what Irish Echo calls a 'vanity blog'

Blog School

2005-01-23T16:46:00.000Z

I was reading through some old school reports of mine and noticed that they are littered with comments such as:

“Clearly Maurice is achieving well below his potential”
“He has an apathetic attitude towards school”
“Maurice does not always give of his best”
“Maurice’s numerous absences are hindering his performance across the curriculum”
“….homework not done, books mislaid”

This about sums it up. I didn’t do badly at school. In fact, against all odds I reached an educational standard above average and haven’t finished with education yet. But I’ve always been a B grade kinda guy, that top grade has always eluded me. Why? Well not wishing to sound arrogant (but managing to), it isn’t because I lack ability, it is because a) I can’t be arsed and b) I don’t want to miss out on any fun stuff that might be happening while I’m beavering (?) away.

Each time I take on a new project I convince myself that this time I will put in my all and achieve my full potential. Then each time what I actually do is the bare minimum required to pass so that I can go out to play. My brother used to get immensely frustrated with me when he was helping me with my maths homework because all I wanted to do was look out the window at the squirrels;

“Never mind the fucking squirrels” he’d say, furious that I wasn’t showing the passion to maths that he felt it deserved.

13 years on and I am still looking at those squirrels.

Best example of this? BLOGGING. I am a lazy blogger (no, no, I am). I look at other people’s blogs and they are not a shambolic stream of consciousness like mine, they are carefully considered, well structured and interesting to people other than themselves. They have pictures and links to other blogs, websites, books, journals and films. Maybe NOW is the time to turn over a new leaf and make a bit more of an effort. I have therefore decided to enrol in blog school and, in time, you will be able to tell whether or not I spent my days looking out the window.

(Just spent last hour blogging and blog surfing when should be planning a training session for work tomorrow – gulp! – diet starts tomorrow right fatties?)

A pet by any other name.....

2005-01-22T18:18:00.000Z

Met up with my friend Dave Brown last night. He's considering buying a dog and wants to call it 'Sir Woofalot'. This led to a discssion of Possible names for pets:

Abu Hamster

Chairman Miaow

Dog cotton

Gerhard Schrodog

Rachel Horsestead

Nigelisms

2005-01-21T17:44:00.000Z

Some days stay with you for the rest of your life for whatever reason. Today will go down as the day I laughed the most. I spent almost every moment between 9:30-3:30 laughing uncontrollably, tears rolling down my face sides on the verge of splitting. Why? because my day was spent sat next to Nigel, who, when he's on form, is truly the funniest person I have ever met.

Todays blog was going to be a recreation of all the funny events and exchanges that occured in my day in the hope that you too could share the magic but on reflection I figured:

a) No one would be interested
b)Like most funny things, you had to be there

So I won't bore you with the details of what made me laugh. I just wanted to pay tribute to my friend Nigel who is a comedy genius and to suggest that, if you haven't already, fill your life with people who can make you laugh. It really is the best medicine.

January Fools Day

2005-01-20T23:25:00.000Z

I could be forgiven for thinking that I had woken up on April 1st this morning.

Within one hour I heard the following news stories:

7am - BBC 1 Breakfast news: Against all odds a baby hippo who lost both parents has formed a touching friendship with a Turtle despite their obvious differences (species, age and taste in music). On hearing this I couldn't wait to see footage....my luck was in...only it wasn't quite what I expected. The 18 stone baby hippo proceeded to try and eat the turtles head. As Harry slowly clamped down on Terry (names changed to protect identity) he simply looked blankly at the camera as if to say 'well...I’ve had a good innings….I am 110'

7:45 - Radio 4 - Today programme - are my ears deceiving me? I'm tired and only half listening but am quite sure that the news report went as follows. “ Footballers are trialing new boots which are said to improve balance. The boots (originally designed to stop dogs falling over on yachts) are being worn during training sessions.......” WHAT???? Footballers wearing Dog Deck Shoes??

7:55 - Sticking with R4. Ed stourton interviews a serious scientist about his research into the effects of bottulism (sp?). Now, as I understand it, scientists who have spent years researching something normally attend interviews in order to report successful findings. Stourton began by asking the doc about his experiment. His theory was that if he injected botchelism (sp?) into carbuncles he would induce paralysis. "And did it?" Stourton asks "No!" Doc replies......awkward pause...doc continues "So I kept on injecting until the carbuncles reached paralysis" and? “they never did”.......end of report!!!

Date check....no it is Jan 20th.

(WORK)

9pm trip to M&S to find a "Product Recall" notice on the door. It read:

"Cheesy Twists" (Kid's Love 'Em)

This product has been temporarily recalled due to reports claiming 'A Strong Odour'

They're fucking CHEESY TWISTS

Whose wedding?

2005-01-20T20:30:00.000Z

Had sleepless night over use of the term "My Best Friend" when referring to Donal in my last post. Thought about how it may offend other friends and then about what a ridiculous phrase it is anyway.

All my friends touch my life with their uniqueness, none better than another. True I have some friends who I have known longer and some who I know better than others, some who I have a lot in common with, others who I have little in common with, but it is those differences that I love. I have a poster in my room at school which has a picture of a rather geeky looking boy on it, repeated about 40 times over and over with the tag line;

"Wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same?"

1) I feel for every pupil who looks slightly like this boy
2) Fair point - life would be dull.

My life is rich with people who, when I was young, I never dreamed I’d encounter. (growing up in provincial Welwyn). If you had asked would I be friends with:

Teachers!
A copper
'Drug Users' (this is big boy shit)
People from Japan, Zimbabwe, Poland, Australia, South Africa, Spain, Ireland, USA and Newcastle
People who condone the death penalty
Daily Mail readers (might have to rethink those ones)
People who aren’t catholic!!!!!
Sporty Jocks
Ditsy girls (come on ladies, you know who you are)
and Old people (grant, cath!)

I’d have said..... “Possibly, it depends on where I live and what.....”

The point is that, they are lovely and loyal whether or not they believe in Allah, snort coke or read the mail (Though these three don’t get on!) and I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.

Nothing to Declare

2005-01-19T21:10:00.000Z

A poem for Kath well let’s give it a whirl
a problem you pose, a dichotomous girl
For speaking your mind there are few who are truer.
Face like an angel, mind like a sewer

Today I stumbled across this verse which was part of a whole poem Donal (my best friend) wrote about his closest friends, each verse was dedicated to a different friend. It was so cleverly written. Short yet apt in every case.

My Husband:

First Richard Leyland
(some dodgy old rhymes)
misfortune befalls him at regular times
and though for his life we have nothing to fear
He’s a different affliction each day of the year

Mark:

Mark he just couldn’t decide on his course
An insomniac drain on the nations resource
But that doesn’t matter, It’s all in the past
His hockey team’s pink, and his stereo’s vast

Ben:

Benjamin smith your name’s here just look
(Remember to call him a chef not a cook)
He has balls made of brass and a stoat oaken heart
(He’s a Betty Ford patient just waiting to start)

It got me thinking about creativity. Donal is one of the most intelligent and creative people I know.....in fact....scrap the 'one of'...he is THE most.
However he epitomises the melancholic disposition. He lives in a permanent state of existential angst.

He is proof that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. It makes me wonder if it is possible to be extraordinarily creative if you aren’t also a bit of a tortured soul.

As Lloyd Grossman might have said had he worked for Sherlock Holmes instead of David frost… “let’s look at the evidence”:

Churchill – Bi polar disorder (Mania) psychosis
Michelangelo – Severe Depression
Abe Lincoln – Bipolar
Virginia Woolf – Bipolar
John Keats – Mentalness Genericus
Isaac Newton – See Keats
Beethoven (Ludwig Van) – Manic depression
Dickens – Manic depression
A.N.Other comedian – tears of a clown and all that

The list goes on and on. Out of the madness has come some of the greatest contributions to mankind.

Sometimes you have to push your principles aside and do the right thing......

2005-01-18T20:09:00.000Z

I'm back. I'd like to say by popular demand but it was only Grant who asked me to return, and even then only because he is bored at work. Hope this proves a diversion for you Grant...perhaps you could offer some advice.

Ok.....so here's the deal.

I'm disillusioned and tired of my job.
It is defiantly time to move on
but what to do?

I saw a job advertised on a charity website the other day and have sent off for an application form.

Good points:

Involves working with a charity which aims to combat poverty and Aids in sub-Saharan Africa
I am qualified and have sufficient skills/experience for the role
Sounds really interesting and will involve periodic visits to Africa
Makes me look altruistic and will win me friends
Surprisingly good salary (why bother otherwise right?)

Bad point:

Have to be committed to Christian Faith (No Nigel…..I am not applying to become a Christian Missionary)

So my dilemma….I am not a committed Christian. Do I go for it?

My thinking thus far goes as follows:

I shouldn’t go for a principled job if I don’t follow the principles.

However I don’t fundamentally disagree with the principles, just don’t strictly follow them in my own life.

The job won’t require me to ‘convert’ which is something I would have a problem with.

Lying about my religious conviction isn’t right.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me.

2005-01-07T21:48:00.000Z

Listening to 'The Killers'. Without a shadow of a doubt best band/album of 2004.

Long Live the killers!

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"

2005-01-07T19:32:00.000Z

Decided to re-post this decidedly Morrissy-esque post on what is meant to be the most depressing day of the year. Not sure how they work that out.

Fear: A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger

It seems to me that it is so easy to slip into a life dominated by fear. Fear of taking a risk, starting a new job, making a life changing decision and acting on it, getting rejected, being honest about how you feel, change…as well as more (as I see it) trivial fears like flying, heights, spiders, clowns (is that just me?) buttons (is that just Suzanne?)
At the root of fear is the great UNKNOWN.

One of my favourite quotes is:

“What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

As humans our greatest gift is, in many ways, our greatest downfall. What distinguishes us from other animals is the ability to experience 2nd order volitions. A cat does not consider whether or not it desires that its desire to catch mice should be its will, it simply acts on it’s first order desire and chases mice.

Humans are able to choose which (of many) desires to act on. These choices will shape the life we want for ourselves.

But herein lies the root of fear. What if we make the wrong decision? Making a decision will ALWAYS involve giving something up. Whether it is something small and insignificant (“which shoes should I wear?”), or something big and life changing (“Should I chuck my job in to travel the world?”)

So what do we do? For the most part we take the path of least resistance. It’s easier isn’t it? Better the devil you know and all that. As Tim in ‘The Office’ says:

“At the moment I’m on a three, I could roll the dice and…..sure I could get a 6….but I could also get a two”

My friend Jim says that you will never roll a two. You will always roll a three or more......he gave some psychological schpeil about why that is but I don’t remember what it was.....sounded pretty convincing though.

One of the greatest sadnesses about the death of my mum is that she never took the risks that allowed her to live the life she really wanted. This disatisfaction was apparaant to us all. It’s hard to say that as her child since her life revolved around her children, but as an adult I am able to look with an objective eye and reflect on my mum as a person, a person with her own desires and ambitions and if she were alive today I’d tell her not to settle for that three.

Now I’m no wild risk taker. I’m guilty of playing it safe like the next man. But I am painfully aware of the ‘nasty, brutish and short’ nature of human life. We really do only have one crack at it and I can’t help thinking that it is often worth taking the risk. “The magic moment is that in which a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ may change the whole of our existence” (Paulo Coelho).

So what am I going to do about it. Well 2005 will be the year to do the things I’ve talked about doing for years. My nearest and dearest know what they are. So here’s to it!

(Ps: I don't always talk about my dead mum, although it seems that way since have mentioned her in last two posts. Just seemed apt)

I HOPE YOU DANCE:

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

I wanna be a part of it....

2005-01-04T20:47:00.000Z

I have just returned from Manhattan, New York, a city that took my breath away (hence quote below I guess). What a vibrant place. I have neither time nor inclination just now to do the trip justice on this post so will summarise some good and bad points (mostly good).

Yellow cabs are everywhere (we need more black cabs in London….Oh sod pollution)

It wouldn’t matter if there were not cabs everywhere because you can walk everywhere in Manhattan without ever getting lost….such a simple idea…Don’t name streets, number them.

ATM machines are slightly too informal for my liking

I bought fab Louis Vuitton shoes

I couldn’t bring myself to break it to one New Yorker, who was very proud of his British accent, that he sounded like Dick van Dyke (now I think of it he’d probably have been rather pleased with this comparison)

Le Parker Meridian on 57th and 7th is nice. Go there if you get the chance

Easy to see how the city inspired Bob Dylan, J.D.Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Woody Allen, Martin Scorcese, etc, etc.

And some slightly more serious sociological observations

The police are way more laid back than in the UK. They can be seen strolling along, jackets undone, some with shirts untucked, chatting and laughing with the people of the city. Some were smoking, others eating. In London, coppers aren’t allowed to remove their hat, unbutton their coats, chew gum, smoke or eat whilst on duty. In New York police seem to have developed a genuinely decent relationship with the people, In London cops are not respected and are treated with either suspicion or derision. I guess the gun in the holster of every NYC cop allows them to do what the hell they like and ‘…..sure we respect you…don’t shoot!’

In the UK people from ethnic minorities are used in advertising to either confirm an existing stereotype about their race/culture or if they can affect a perfect imitation of white culture. In US advertising they have racial diversity with people appearing to act and speak in a way consistent with their culture. This is commendable and in keeping with an inclusive language which describes people as ‘African Americans’ or ‘Asian Americans’. In the UK someone from China would not be described as an Asian Brit but rather a person of Asian origin.

I can’t emphasise enough how much I loved this city. If you haven’t yet been, GO!

Happy 2005

2005-01-02T21:18:00.000Z

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the number of moments that take our breath away"

L.O.L

2004-12-28T20:15:00.000Z

Things that gave me much needed laugh over christmas

My Dad

League of gentleman box set

Curb your enthusiasm

Picking up an old man who we saw miss his bus and taking him 7 miles in the opposite direction to where we were headed only to knock him down whilst turning around (this didn't happen...the last bit....but the thought of it made me laugh)

The Timewaster Letters (I advise anyone to read it)

Other things too i'm sure but I will leave it there for now.

News

2004-12-27T21:04:00.000Z

What an interesting festive holiday
like everybody i'm sure
i have eaten too much
dunk toooooooo much
and spent too much money

I also found out from my only sibling
Stephen
over christmas
that
I am going to be an auntie
as my new sister in law Ewa is
pregnant

This brought me to tears
and I hadn't even drunk anything
I'm excited
and look forward to being Auntie Kath...I mean uncle Maurice

So he beat me to it.
Even though everyone thought it would be me
He met, married and successfully inseminated Ewa
In the same academic year that I took on two promotions
mmmmmmmmmmmm!

Give a man a fish.......

2004-12-26T16:44:00.000Z

I got a goat and 10 chickens
and I live in a small one bed flat
I would have liked a partridge in a pear tree
but didn't get one

Instrumental value

2004-12-02T22:34:00.000Z

Hello

I have just spent the last two hours having guitar lessons
I was drinking wine at the time, so am now pissed but can play Karma Police, Last Christmas and I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

I also learned the first bit of My Iron Lung but was over ambitious, going for the slide string technique rather than change my fingering.

My dad always used to say "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous"
(True it is neither funny nor clever but I rather like my old dad and will quote him when it seems to fit)

Well I would give my right arm to be able to play the guitar well. I have always had an interest in playig instruments but unfortunalty never stuck with any of them long enough to master them. I played the piano as a young child, then the tenor recorder (remember this lisa?), then I played the glockenschpeile (how the fuck does one spell this) with my first boyfriend Mark O (now a gay) then at secondary school I played the drums (not too bad at them) then at 21 my brother bought me a guitar and I have been messing around with it ever since.

A Few Things

2004-12-01T17:23:00.000Z

Ronnie O'sullivan has got good looking....when did that happen

My brother-in-laws flatmate won't let anything dirty near his cd's or dvd's - he wouldn't let me touch them - I've never been so insulted

Last night our neighbours played reggae music till about 3am - I don't like reggae
Now they are playing Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

I like Nick Cave and his bad seeds

I've got an office at work THEREFORE i am important

I have a good friend who says things that make me laugh like "The Lunatics are running the assylum" and "Tail's wagging the dog"

I don't like giving people lifts - especially if they smell

Richard and Judy

2004-12-01T17:09:00.000Z

How funny to arrive home, switch on the TV and see Richard Madeley lying with his head in his wife (Judy Finnegan's) lap, looking up at her all but sucking his thumb (or her breast) whilst she reads him a story about Santa in a baby voice. This is TV Gold...whoever doesn't just love these two must be mad. Long may they grace our screens.

Anna Falactic

2004-11-29T20:14:00.000Z

Today I attended a staff meeting where we were taught to use epipen's - a pen for epi's

These are adrenaline shots which you administer to kids who have severe allergies, in this case, nuts!. We were told that an allergy may not occur the first time a patient 'meets a nut', this made me laugh but not as much as a former gravedigger telling us that one of his tutor group is allergic to latex....."That'll be a problem when he's older" everybody murmered in unison.

We then passed the epipen around and tried it out on one another. I had just plastered my hands with handcream and much to the amusement of my table fumbled around with it for quite some time before finally thrusting it into my own leg. Then it was question time, questions came thick (and they were) and fast from the audience:

"Do we have to take their trousers down?"
....who let the caretaker in?

"What if we administer it and they are not anaphalactic?"
"Don't worry, it's better to be safe than sorry, it will be to them like experiencing a rollercoaster" At this point i'm wondering whether, if there are no epipen's to hand, we could just swing the little blighters around a bit to get the old heart beating, and if it happens at our annual trip to chessington then no worries.

The epipen training was followed be a series of very boring talks including one given by a man who has clearly had a charisma bypass (where's that fucking epipen when you need it). He explained how impoprtant it is for us to get pupils to peer assess each others work, he used the example of his daughter giving him feedback on the dull slides he had prepared - Is your daughter your peer?

We were then treated to a video clip of an ICT lesson in which pupils were seen (quite naturally) peer assessing, as the camera zoomed in on the laptops they were using I was longing to see "Chicks with Dicks" on the screen, but alas.

.

Wax Lyrical

2004-11-27T19:38:00.000Z

So...heres the plan, let's all play 'favourite lyrics'.

Here's how it works, I make a list of fave lines from songs and then you add your own faves in the comments section

Then I judge who wins....

..what do you mean it's too subjective to judge...this is my little game and my rules apply

OK lets see......

"The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face"

"Loafing oafs in all-night chemists"

"To die by your side, well the pleasure, the privilege is mine"

"Southern trees bear strange fruit, blood on the leaves and blood at the root"

oh I can't play anymore I have to go out but look forward to adding some more later, and also i'm annoyed by the fact that there are too many and it's impossible to choose.

I know this is somewhat self indulgent but I respectfully ask that you humour me.

ps: winner takes it all
pps: next game - best self diagnosed illnesses .....feel I may win this one!

Monkey Tennis!

2004-11-27T19:04:00.000Z

Hello my dears.
I am feeling chipper.
Tiredness has gone....must be that sleep I had......amazing how much better a sleep can make you feel.

How addictive is blogging? Now almost everyone I know blogs and at least once a day I check each one out. I don't always make a comment but I do read them, and, enjoy them, one and all (I find it so hard not to slip into Dickensian speak in the run up to Christmas, it's all I can do not to tip my hat and wish ladies and sirs a good day)

I am now also addicted to physical exercise. Went for a jolly good run today and felt all the better for it. I'm hoping to trade in my chocolate addiction for addiction to exercise but don't know who to speak to about it.
I had always got by on the amount of calories I burn off desperatly trying to order rambling thoughts in brain....have I got ADHD? but we all know that the brain slows down with age and I am nearly 28 (December 14th) so it's feel the burn on the open roads from now on.

Ideas for shows:

Instead of Pop Idol........'Bone Idol' - contestants are judged on their inability to do anything productive and winner is crowned laziest fucker in britain.....money rolls in and life of laziness is secured for ever.

How clean is your horse? Kim and Aggy travel nationwide inspecting horses and chastising the owners

I don't believe in an interventionist God.....

2004-11-26T17:52:00.000Z

It only happens once in a blue moon
the kind of tiredness where you fall asleep standing up, where breathing is an effort and where all you want to do is to fall into the arms of the man/woman you love and sleep peacefully in their tender embrace.

Today is a blue moon for me folks.
I'm dog fucking knackered, rip van winkle sleep for a million years kinda tired, sleeping beauty didn't know how lucky she was kinda tired and yet.....I find myself blogging having just been woken (yes woken up at 5:57pm) by the fucking twattish phone, which for some reason is set at "Don't need your ear drums do you?"

I love you all
some more than others
but for the love of holy jehovah
fuck off and let me sleep
xx

Pleasure seeking Japanese dogs!

2004-11-23T21:59:00.000Z

For those of you who don't know, 'Googlewhacking' is when you type two words into the google browser and get only one hit.

I tried this for the first time today and was pleased when I achieved early success. I can only deduce that I have a natural talent (If this carrries on I might enter myself for the googlewhack olympics)

My first googlewhack was:

Shitsu Hedonism

I then got overexcited by my second googlewhack:

Flanimals Relativism

Makes it so much easier when you do it whilst planning lesson on ethical language.

Off to do more, it's addictive.

By the way...is anyone else having a problem with ladybirds? If not why are we, and if so, I thought they were summer creatures!

Nice Day for a Parisian Wedding

2004-11-18T21:39:00.000Z

My only sibling, my dear brother Stephen, got married today. It was a small affair in Paris (The wedding that is...not the relationship).

So tonight I promised him I would drink a glass of champagne this end to toast this happy day.

To Steve and my new sister-in-law Ewa

Cheers - May you have a long and happy marriage...and hurry up and have kids I want to be an auntie!
xx x

If Music be the Food of Love.....

2004-11-18T04:30:00.000Z

Anyone who knows me knows that I am often critical of people who use what I call "Meaningless" language to make a point.
Meaningless language is, I suppose, any language that cannot be verified analytically or synthetically.
However those who know me also know that I am often guilty of doing the very things that I criticise in others......
Hypocrisy? Yep...at it's best ladies and gents....my defence? Catholicism.

So...the 'meaningless' word I am about to use to describe a) Music and b) Christmas is....

'magical'

I use this word because it's hard to express how I feel when I hear music and how I feel in the run up to Christmas in any other way.......and don't even get me started on music at christmas time.

I've always loved music and as a teen considered myself to be somewhat of an expert.
Whether it was The Flying Pickets (my first record), Terence Trent D'Arby (my first bought tape), Beverly Craven (the soundtrack to my first heartache),The Cure (soundtrack to both my first love and my first broken heart), The Smiths, The Pixies, Bob Dylan, Nine Inch Nails, Sisters of Mercy, Fields of the Nephilim, The Roses, Pulp, Donovan, Melanie, Suede, Michael Jackson, Neil young, Radiohead, James, Bauhaus, The Damned, The Clash, The Bolshoi (music which dominated my late teens/early twenties), or any other I could never work out whether the music I chose to listen to moulded who I was or whether it reflected who I had become. I think most people would agree that it's a bit of both. It has an amazing power to free you - as wanky as that sounds - it is not possible to remain inhibited when you completely lose yourself in it.

The reason I blog about this today is because it dawned on me that this passion isn't something you leave behind along with your teenage years. I still get excited when I discover a new song to fall in love with, I still daydream to love songs, I still get embroilled in conversations about the merits or otherwise of the artists, and I still - to the annoyance of anyone i've ever lived with - dance around the house each evening....and intend to for as long as my knees hold out!

People often talk about what music they would choose as the soundtrack to their lives and I love this idea.....but...you'll be relieved to know...would consider publishing such a soundtrack to be an intrusion on something too personal, too special, too magical. I know what you're thinking....what was that list above if not a soundtrack to your early life?...fair point...but it's the melody and lyrics of particular songs that has such personal resonance and the above list gives nothing away.

I'll leave you with two of my favourite quotes on the subject:

"Those who lack passion for music, lack passion."

"No one would deny the beauty of music but not everyone is lucky enough to also feel it's magic"

Well I consider myself to be a very lucky girl (I mean boy!)
.

Domiyes

2004-11-15T02:27:00.000Z

I cannot recall stumbling across a programme I have enjoyed as much as "Domino Day" 2004.

"It's one small step for man, one giant leap for dominos." The words of the commentator of "Domino Day" 2004.

Unless you too watched this gripping half hour of TV you cannot fully understand the highs and lows of this particularly special event.

Picture the scene.......

....a team of about 40 people (who had spent years preparing for this challenge, and months setting it up) all waiting with baited breath as the ball drops to start the world domino record attempt. Unfortunatly the ball failed to drop which meant that the team captiain had to remove his shoes to tiptoe through dominos with a wobbly pole and stretch across to tap the first domino...then...as the narrators put it "BOOM - Let the games begin"

As I stood watching the tension in the faces of the domino gang it dawned on me that I was equally tense watching. It is a truly amazing experience to watch each domino topple into the next, uncovering an array of exciting features linked to historical events, famous landmarks, sports (including dolphin-back riding......now banned in many countries) and great musicians.....oh and kites.

Not realising that such a day exisited it comes as no surprise to know that I was also oblivious to the fact that there are certain rules that must be adhered to in attempting the 'world domino falling record' (not sure if that is an accurate title). Apparantly there must be certain sections of the track left unfinished as the first domino falls, then a couple of 'builders' (not fat bastards with arse cracks on display - sorry dad!) graduates from the domino university have to work quickly but carefully to place enough dominos to complete a certain section beofre they are 'hit'....sadly....and it was very sad...they failed to make it in time and as the row of dominos came crashing to a halt these two grown men cried like little girls as they saw their lifes work (and purpose) fall around them - like domoinos....well it was dominos that fell around them...so...like...leaves on a windy autumn morning. It was at this point I too was fighting back the tears and could only switch off in solidarity with the crew whose dream had seemingly ended.......

....but wait, having composed myself and desperate to know what happened next (and hoping to see more grown men cry) I switched back on only to find that regardless of the 'builders' failure, team 2004 had broken the existing record. Cheers rang out across the stadium, ticker tape fell like manna from heaven and shania twain sang in joyous praise at this wonderous achievement.

Who knew that the wide range of human emotions could be touched in such a poignant way when watching "DOMINO DAY " (2004).

I am converted and will certainly be tuning in to domino day 2005. To think that the only experience I had of dominos before this was playing with 'Ken' (dominos that is!!) a disabled man who my mum used to make me visit in a special home so that I would not see disability as odd or unusual.......he was an odd and unusual man and all my brother and I really wanted to do was to jump on his lap and get him to drive us around in his electric wheelchair....Thank you Ken...and thank you domino day.....

...until next year

TWAT goes ON

2004-11-03T19:59:00.001Z

Well whaddya know george dubya has won
is there anyone who blogs who hasn't blogged about this

When discussing this at work today a friend commented that there really wasn't much between Kerry and Bush in terms of policy so what does it matter who wins!

But it does actually matter doesn't it? If there are two babysitters with the same values but one is a bit of a gimp, lacking in common sense and a bit slow witted which would you rather look after your children?

Lets face it GWB is a bit of a chimp

This vote now mandates Bush's actions in TWAT (The War Against Terror). Well done America - at least in 2000 you could argue that Bush wasn't democratically elected and therefore didn't really represent the views of most Americans - but now...well....you've got the cowboy you deserve.

At least the same man has won both the popular vote and the White House this time, unlike in 2000, which is, at least, a boost for democracy.

It's funny to think that there were people who voted for Bush because they felt his foreign policy would protect them against "Evil-doers" (no not women who have abortions or gays) but....did any of these people...stop...just for a moment to think about how a vote for Bush might put them at greater risk than before. It's easy when you live in an affluent western society full of opportunity to become insular and closed minded to the plight of the rest of the world - I certainly do it.

In the UK the new fear gripping the nation is the fear of refugees - these strangers who, so uncontrolled will, 'rape our women' and 'knick our jobs' (those same jobs that many 'true brits' consider beneath them or they are too ill qualified to occupy). But do any of these moaning nimby's ever stop to think why refugees would want to seek asylum in good old GB? do we really expect to be able to sell an image of the west (Friends, McDonalds, Baywatch) and not expect people to want to buy into this culture? We can't have our cake and eat it (regardless of what Dylan says) it could be argued that refugees are the end result of good advertising - either don't advertise or do so and accept the inevitable consequence.....so I digress as ususal....following a tuesday glass of wine....very irreguar. Going back to the original point....what was it....that USA by voting in power mad, war hungry, uber capitalist Bush may have put themselves at even greater risk. The point is that if we project an image of a society which is greedy, self interested, materialistic, then we have to accept that we will offend, especially if we give the impression that this is a culturally superior way to be.

...... it amazes me that in a pluralist western society - one that remains critical of islamic societies that rule by religious law - bush lets religious beliefs influence policy. Will be here all day if i get into this...it's my specialist chosen subject don't ya know. Going to remove jumper as rather hot.

Dressed for success

2004-10-18T22:07:00.000+01:00

16 hours and counting.....instead of revising.

actually i'm lying to look cool, I have been revising tonight, not just that but i've been enjoying it.

I've always been a bit last minute (except in final year undergrad when I became superspod to impress lecturer I fancied). However, now that I am 'getting down to it'....in an academic sense.......how very dull.....I'm annoyed that I didn't begin earlier, if I had, I reckon I could have produced a couple of belting essays........ah my trumpet's out of tune.

The thing is, I would love to get a distinction in this course, but i'm too afraid that if I try my hardest to do it and fail it will be too much of a blow to my gargantuan ego....better then to stick to tried and trusted philosophy of bare minimum, that way, if I succeed I can be cocky about how I could have done better........

back to revision to see if I can find some way of working out if A still exists after his brain has been split and transplanted equally between B and C. Hold on technology, just a little longer...nearly there.

Random title for blog simply because I had trouble spelling word success and it reminded me of a) how utterly shit 80's band Roxette were and
also, how one of our lodgers from university of hertfordshire, Anthony Virr had a crappy blue cortina which he spray painted (himself...not even professionally) with the words "Roxette" (his fave band) on the bonnet and "Roof" (guess where) had totally forgotton all about him until just now. He asked my mum if he could take me to the cinema (I was 15 - perv, he was 19) my mum said yes because she prob took it from his car that he would be no threat. We went to see "Billy Bathgate" some ganster flick with Nicole Kidman who appeared totally nude in one shot and there was an uncomfortable awkwardness between us.

Studious inaction

2004-10-18T03:14:00.000+01:00

Today I have been mostly:

Thinking about going to church but then not going (it was inevitable)
eating bourbons
washing clothes
washing dishes
hoovering
cooking soup
eating soup
watching the blue planet
filing nails
painting nails
using internet to see liklihood of it snowing this christmas
playing same four chords on guitar
ignoring the phone
planning new career
writing more of novel
walking
making phonecalls
blogging

I have not been:

revising for my exam which is in 42 hours......i think i'll go and work out how long that is in minutes and then seconds....then i'll revise!

Everybody wants to be found....

2004-10-16T19:34:00.000+01:00

I was just about to buy "The Flumps" on DVD today when I glanced across the aisle to see Bill Murray staring at me in his dressing gown and slippers from the cover of my favourite film. Now that I am sensibly watching the pennies (whilst the pounds apparantly look after themselves....I hope they don't have expensive taste) it was a case of one or the other. "The Flumps" got tossed carelessly to one side (they were only ever picked out in a moment of nostalgic weakness) and off I went to the till to buy "Lost in Translation".

I like films. I go to the cinema, I rent DVD's, I buy DVD's (which means that I like to watch the same film over...there is some comfort in this) and I happily talk about films amongst friends (whether they are equally happy is questionable and of little interest to me) but rarely do I come across a film that really means anything to me.

This film however, does. It is desribed by critics as a "Triumph", "Magnificent" and "Magical". It's hard to know what constitutes a triumph - I suspect it depends on what you seek from a movie. With this film I sought nothing, and yet I gained something from it. What can you possibly gain from a film? The truth is, I don't know, I can't really articulate what I gained, it's nothing tangible.

I think it's fair to say that the things that we find most touching are the things that strike a chord with oursleves, and, I suppose there was something about this film that struck a chord with me.

That's not to say that I necessarily experienced the things that the characters were experiencing or that I identified with any character in particular, but rather that it seemed to be a film that recognised and portrayed (beautifully) some of the observations I too make about this 'one life' we have. This one life where we are thrown in at the deep end and we either a) sink, b) swim or, more likely flaile around rather helplessly neither swimming nor sinking, somehow surviving.

What is the film about?

"......A laugh out loud portrayal of lonliness and human connection. Bob and Charley, through their respective insomnias, cross paths one night and strike up a surprisingly intimate friendship. As the unlikely pair venture through Tokyo together, having often hilarious encounters with it's citizens, they ultimately discover a new belief in life's possibilities."

I have my own romantic idea about what Bob says to Charley at the end of the film and, whether or not it is what Coppola intended, it remains true for me and gives a sarcastic old cynic a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Everybody, at a certain point, is lost and sometimes we just find a connection to someone that helps to re-inspire or centre us.

Now where is that half full glass of wine.....

nice palace

2004-10-09T22:18:00.000+01:00

palace of versailles is nice

Ok...willing to believe John wasn't mad....but you're pushing it now!

2004-10-01T05:49:00.001+01:00

Every now and then I stumble across a TV programme that reminds me how 'normal' I am.

Dr mental: "What do you taste when I say the word 'radiator'?"
Mentalist: "Marmite"

Cut to mentalist in a kitchen cooking a meaty fry up whilst listening to some people chatting behind him...the words they use cause him to taste yoghurt...he has to leave the kitchen since sausages, bacon and yoghurt doesn't mix well apparantly....for a start mate, don't work in a fuckin kitchen...

Then blinky magoo describes the colours he sees whenever certain words are said BUT...wait for it...blinky is blind. Meanwhile Doris and bernard (brother and sister since birth) describe what colours they see when they hear certain letters;

Doris: "Oh no Bernard A=pink for me, what about you love?"
Bernard: "Green for me doris"

Voiceover: "For years it was widely believed that these people were making it up (mmmmmmmmm) or had taken hallucinigenic drugs in the 60's (bernard?)

Dr Mental: "What about if i say the word 'Door'?"
Mentalaist: "scotch egg"

well i suppose it gives the torretists a break.

Dr Dog

2004-09-28T05:25:00.000+01:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3682722.stm

rather amusing!

copywritten vocab?

2004-09-21T18:54:00.000+01:00

Hey Jones. Good to hear from you. What words are yours? there are a few of them! and by what authority do you own them? I hope it's not and, is, the, in or as because these are very useful and i would like to go on using them without having to worry.
you are a funny man, did i ever tell you that? - how is fabiano? tramps and dwarves....there's a new one for cher to sing about.
m
xx

It's only castles burning

2004-09-13T21:19:00.001+01:00

Today I spent 20 mins listening to a colleague moan about his career. This career is a vocation, you either have the skills it requires or you don't. I grant you, it's not always easy but at the point at which you have been moaning about doing it everyday for 5 years it's time to start thinking about a change.

It's so fucking easy to let everyday shit get you down. It should take something like the school seige in russia or the humanitarian crisis in sudan to put things into persepective for us, indeed people say "doesn't it make you realise how lucky we are" or "well tonight thank god it's them, instead of you". but it's all just bluster and platitude. people go straight back to feeling sorry for themselves and their trivial concerns. does it actually matter, in the scheme of things, if you haven't photocopied enough sheets or if you failed to complete some waste of time review form that will tell you what you already know. does it matter that the dishes are left dirty in the sink overnight or that the neighbours may see your pants hanging on the radiator in the hallway or heaven forfend...that somone from the eastern bloc may be living next door to you (well i'll give you that one)....no, yet these are genuine concerns for some people, these cause genuine distress and anxiety. it's a shame that they do, but the fact remains, they do.

I have a friend who, no matter how little sleep I have had she has had less, no matter how many hours I have worked, she has worked more and I always think...well that's as maybe love but we're talking about me here...wait your turn. So I'm not suggesting that we have no right to express our sadness or disatisfaction because there will always be someone worse off than you, but surely there is a balance to be struck.....surely there are some things that could drop off the list of things to worry about. maybe it's time we did start to reflect on how lucky we are insteaad of simply just saying it.

It's only castles burning

2004-09-13T21:19:00.000+01:00

why blogger?

2004-09-05T21:49:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged for a while, very little time and head drained of all rational thoughts....previous blogs may suggest that those rational thoughts never existed. I read an article about how to blog. it turns out that i blog the wrong way. apparantly you must never talk about yourself, or of anything that will probably only be of interest to you and your mates. well that is exactly what i have done. in the end though you only ever talk about things that are of interest to you and will probably (because you chose them) be of interset to your mates. who would spend time writing about stuff that didn't interest them, who other than your mates actually readas blogs anyway. with that in mind i wonder what the hell i am doing, given that i speak to all my friends at least once a week.

Seasons greetings

2004-08-04T21:42:00.000+01:00

Im off on holiday tommorow. To sunny ortugal (guess the country} wishing all who read this fun and restful (if thats what you want} summer hols.
Love from
Maurice

My favourite pastime ruined! (sp}

2004-08-04T21:05:00.000+01:00

Q: How shit is daytime TV?
A: Really fucking badly shit.

The adverts alone are enough to make you want to chew your own face off. How many debt repayment agencies are on the sniff for people who have got themslves in a bit of a financial pickle (who would do that!) Great news...they say..we will pay off all your debts and you simply owe us £100 a month "(for the rest of your life, with a final payment on your deathbed of £20k). And the ambulance chasers....oh those ambulance chasers..."Where there's blame there's a claim" well i blame you bastards for the caniving greedy fuckers who bang their kids heads against a wall in the hope it will get them a new three piece 'pleather' suite....how much do I get?. Bloody daytime TV. And do we really need to see a close up toe with fungal foot infection? I'm thinking just describe the symptoms and we'll know if we have it or not. Trisha!

Ramblings on Iraq (well it had to be done at some point)

2004-08-03T21:32:00.001+01:00

Went to see Farenheit 911 the other day. I enjoyed "Bowling for Columbine" but was beginning to tire of Moores books so wasnt sure what to expect . So....i hate to admit it but I never seemed to be as clear as everyone else was at the time that the war in Iraq was the wrong thing to do. For a start I think anyone who claims absolute certainty in terms of what is right and wrong is mistaken. My thoughts werent influenced by what happened on 11th of the 9th in NYC because unlike 9O% of Americans (questioned...not by me} I did not think that Iraq had anything to do with it. However it is true to say that Sadaam was a violent dictator (I refrain from using the word evil since i think it is meaningless and serves little purpose other than to incite religious fury} and was oppressing the people of Iraq. Does this mean that the regeime should be destroyed and that Iraq should be rebuilt in the correct (western democratic!!!!}way. MMMMmmmm thats a tough one. Do Blair and Bushs reasons for going to war matter...if an aparantly good thing (and im not saying it was} was done with bad intention DOES it matter if the outcome was still good? So I was never sure what to make of the war in Iraq...its true that it caused, and is causing, utter devastation and pain but that is a consequence of war (dont mean to sound glib} and unless we say that war is NEVER just (such a belief would, in my opinion, inevitably lead to worse suffering, pain and loss of freedom} then that will always be the case. So did Farenheirt 911 make it any easier for me to reach a clear decision on the morality of TWII....a little....I certainly was sickened by the dishonesty and downright shysty (is that a word?) behaviour from the leader of the worlds biggest superpower and I no longer believe the war was JUST (according to the criteria laid out in the JWT) but I do think...or maybe I just like to hope...that some good will come out of it. A good film (a little one sided!!! but further reserach shows it to be true) funny in parts, deeply disturbing in parts and in many ways downright depressing, how few of us ever really question the decisions made in our names...not just kneejerk reaction to something, but actually question? well Moore does and as an American might say "All power to him"!

essay schmessay

2004-07-28T22:27:00.000+01:00

It's funny how paralysed one gets when faced with work to do. Surely the correct biological response to having to get things done should be the urge to do it. For the fourth consecutive time this year I find myself on the wednesday before a friday deadline arsing around in an internet cafe. I have about 60 A4 pages to read, digest and write a 2,000 word essay on in two days and I'm paralysed into inaction. It's almost like you kid yourself that it will somehow...through no input from you....get done. Right I'm off to doss around somewhere else!

Lacking in serenity, courage and wisdom

2004-07-28T22:00:00.000+01:00

When I was younger my favourite prayer was

"God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courgae to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference"

I don't think saying it got me anywhere but it remains the only prayer I continue to say

Why don't you....?

2004-07-26T21:48:00.000+01:00

I haven't watched TV for 4 days. I can't think of a day (whilst in England) when I haven't watched the TV, even for 10 mins in the morning. I have been busy, both in my head and physically. I was beginning to think such extreme thoughts as 'Get rid of the TV and do less boring things instead' However...I pulled in to a motorway petrol station today as I got out of the car somone had grafittied a message onto the pump box saying something about not wasting your life watching TV...to be honest that simply encouraged me to reflect on whether watching TV was a waste of time or not. After really thinking about it and weighing up the pros and cons, I concluded not. Perhaps people who grafitti moral maxims should be a bit more detailed and provide some persuasive arguments to support their point of view.

I CHOOSE YOU.......(but only because all the best people are taken)

2004-07-01T21:06:00.000+01:00

Suppose there are 26 women and 26 men each wanting to be married. For each sex, all of that sex agree on the same ranking of the 26 members of the opposite sex in terms of desirability as marriage partners. Call them A to Z and A' to Z' respectively in decreasing preferential order. A and A' voluntarily choose to get married, each preferring the other to any other partner. B would most prefer to marry A' and B' would most prefer to marry A, but by their choices A and A' have removed these options. When B and B' marry their choices are not made nonvoluntary merely by the fact that there is something else they each would rather do. B and B' choose among fewer options than A and A' did. This contraction of the range of options continues down the line until we come to Z and Z', who each face a choice between marrying the other or remaining unmarried. Each prefers any one of the 25 other partners who by their choices have removed themselves from consideration by Z and Z'. Z and Z' voluntarily choose to marry each other. The fact that their only other alternative is (in their view) much worse and the fact that others choose to exercise their rights in certain ways, thereby shaping the external environment of options in which Z and Z' choose, does not mean that they did not marry voluntarily.

Spit or Swallow?

2004-06-30T21:48:00.000+01:00

I spent hours deciding what to wear for a romantic dinner for two at a local restaurant. I finally plumped for my invisibility cloak - poor decision!

I actually earn more than my other half and am inevitably the one who chooses the wine on the wine list and yet every fucking time when the waiter brings over the wine they ask:

"Would you like to try the wine sir?"

Now i'm no bra burning feminist (matter of fact those dirty lezzers rub me up the wrong way) but I do wonder why my female pallet is not good enough to 'test' the wine.

At the end of the day, let's be honest, neither of us have a fucking clue about wine - we just want to get pissed! but that's not the point. How do slaves...I mean waiters...KNOW that I am not capable of distinguishing good wine from bad wine? Ok so I have slightly bucker than average teeth and a cough belies the fact that two of my senses are a little the worse for wear, but FUCKING HELL let me taste your shit wine!

Anyway, having had a glass of pimms, a bottle of wine and a complementary brandy it's time for me to go.

PS: Have been reliably informed by someone who wasn't dragged up like me that We are not required to taste the wine to see if we like it but rather to see if it's been corked.

Wife Swap anyone?

2004-06-29T20:41:00.001+01:00

Let's all laugh at poor people and their funny little ways. Yep! Wife Swap is back. We (the 'one up from house' resolutely middle class brigade) watch this and other programmes like it and kid ourselves that we are fascinated by them as intriguing social experiments. We observe that maybe we will learn something about our own prejudices, reflect on them and change for the better.

Change my arse ... WE don't need to change. It's THEM who need to change. We watch it in the faint hope that these people will also be sitting in watching it and thinking 'How could I have said that'. But we know that they will actually be cheering so loudly in support of their own meaningless twaddle and ludicrous behaviour that they won't actually hear anything they said at all.

We despair as they grapple desperatly to find the words to articulate how they feel and somehow end up finding the word 'fuck' every time. We sigh as their 'urchin' offspring desribe mum as 'more like a friend than a parent' and reel in horror as they support their incredulously weak arguments with 'I read it in the daily mail'.

Like most in the middle class I consider myself better than these people, more tolerant, more open minded, more intelligent, more articulate. Am I? well....no...we both see the world in terms of 'them' and 'us' only for me, they are 'them' and for them 'they' are....well...maybe us, but then again maybe just anyone born outside the shores of 'our' green and pleasent land!

In the words of George Orwell "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others" (I read that in a book)
Channel 4 Tuesday 9pm - watch, laugh and feel good about yourself....after all, your accident of birth earned you that right...right!

Cold Comfort Hotel

2004-06-27T22:00:00.001+01:00

I'm slowly realising that when I say "Do you remember when we were young we used to....." no one actually remembers doing any of the things I say. So I may be alone, but, do you remember when we were young we used to ask 'What would you rather die of, being too hot or being too cold?' I think I always said cold because I had heard of cryogenic freezing.

I'm trying to embrace the weather at the moment, in whatever form it takes. I have always wanted to go and stay in one of those Scandanavian ice hotels. I like the romantic image of keeping warm by curling up with someone on reindeer skin while slaves bring piping hot loganberry drinks to our bedsides, then up we would get, jump on a couple of huskies, ask them to take us down to the local ice mall for a spot of shopping before getting riotously drunk in bar ice. Then nightfalls and it's back on the dogs and home sweet -9 degrees home. The problem is, I have the same romantic image about holidays in the sun (minus huskies, plus donkeys) and when I get there all I do is moan about the heat!

I don't want to waste my cold holiday of a lifetime (not yet booked but in it's 9th year of being discussed) moaning, so today I decided it's time to start training in order to be fully prepared. I chose the moment when I thought the rain had reached it's heaviest and stood out in it. (ok so summer rain in St Albans isn't exactly a night in a glorified igloo but it's a start). Result? I liked it, I actually did enjoy it. I was cold and wet and I suppose uncomfortable as the rain filled my pants and shoes but I looked up, embraced it and felt all the better for it. Next stop a night in someone's freezer (we only have an icebox).
NB: If I do actually turn up in someones freezer it was NON CONSENSUAL unless it was my friend Cath who did it under test conditions.

SOUL SOLD to look like BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUT

2004-06-22T21:55:00.000+01:00

Q) Who is the odd one out:
Bob Dylan,
Liz Taylor,
that woman who played 'Frenchie' in Grease
or
Marlon Brando?

A) That woman who played 'Frenchie' in Grease, and not just because I have no idea who the hell she is but because all the others have aged badly (like that poor little blighter with that "I'm 7 but look 70" disorder - that's not ageist or disablist. My dads old and in a wheelchair...and in a home...which is fucking expensive by the way and I pay the bill) but frenchie clearly sold her soul to the devil in return for looking exactly the same in 2004 as she did in 1972, unfortunatly for her she looked like a dog in 1972...still at least she gets to enjoy eternal damnation with the big guy downstairs (not sloth from 'The Goonies')