Swan V's Mini Cooper

Victor Meldrew, Larry David, Will Self and Maurice Ently. Today I joined the ranks of grumpy old men, despite being a young, not too grumpy, woman.

We awoke to a beautifully crisp sunday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and we decided to go out for a nice leisurely walk around Box Hill (which is a 20 min drive away). We jumped into my, on it's last legs, old style (ie; actually mini) mini cooper and hit the road in good spirits.

About 10 mins into our journey we trundled along a bog standard residential street to find a middle aged WI type in a red cardigan directing traffic from the route we intended to take, right up an unmade road with homemade speedbumps which, no matter how slow i went, scraped the shit out of the bottom of my car. I was fucked off - fucking spedbumps, don't get me started, this blog is about something else that irks me.

I drove over one, saw a few more ahead and decided to turn back to insist on driving ahead as we intended. The reason we couldn't go ahead was because there was a swan SITTING in the middle of the road....A SWAN!!!!

As you can imagine - the local villigers hadn't been so excited since mrs miggins cat got stuck in her bush! They were all out in full force. Old women with twin sets and pearls, old men in wellingtons and wax jackets, middle aged men in cardigans still living with mummy and daddy and.....worst of all....one of those community volunteer officers in his 'please take me seriously' flourescent waistcoat.

In a controlled rage i approached Mrs Miggins - now fully recovered - and Special cuntstubble gareth and began;

"I cannot take this alternative route as it is seriously damaging the underside of my car, can't we just beep the horn or shoo it out of the way?"

Look of horror on both faces

"Well no, we can't scare him, we have called the RSPCA and they are on their way"

"When did you call them?"

"About 10 minutes ago"

"And when do you expect them?"

"Well tey said it was a code 1 situation"

"Is that like code red"

"What's code red?"

"I don't know...it doesn't matter, can't I just drive around it?"

"No it will be too frightening for the poor little fella"

"Ok..do you think that woman in the red cardigan would be willing to pay my garage bill?"

Blank faces....

"I don't think that is standard protocol in this situation"


I give up. I get back into car. I rev my engine in anger and in the hope that it will shift the swan - the swan doesn't move - in fact, I think he looks smugly at me as he settles down for the duration.

I headed back the way we came and we changed out plans and went elsewhere.

It got me thinking about English people. On the whole we are complete and utter cunts. 'A nation of animal lovers', a country with the highest divorce rates in europe and those not divorced often live quietly miserable lives. Why? because we are emotionally retarded, the 'stiff upper lip', put on a brave face, lie back and think of england (quite literally get shafted and put up with it, it's your duty) all these cliches associated with 'The English'

If we, as a nation, cared as much for one another (and could express it) as we do for bloody animals then we would be a lot better for it.

Why should the whole of Leatherhead be put out for the sake of a stupid swan. We ARE more important and our needs should come first. Ok, perhaps I wouldn't have run it over, but the whole softly softly, don't scare it bollocks was too much.

We all sit down and munch on a juicy bit of cow, whilst wearing them on our shoes and backs, we are oh so grateful when medicine tested on animals serves us well but a whole village comes to a halt when a dumb bird can't be arsed to fly away. Let's not hurt him because he looks beautiful.....ok, would we have ben as bothered if it was a rat?

I think not.

Bloody villigers.

Bloody England!

Cowboys my arse...a pair of namby pamby sheepherders!

COLLEAGUE
"What are you doing tonight Maurice?"

ME
"Going to see Brokeback Mountain"

COLLEAGUE
"Oh that's that gay cowboy film"

ME
"It surely is"

COLLEAGUE
"Urrrr I hate that shit"

ME
"What shit?"

COLLEAGUE
"You know, gay stuff like that"

ME
"But I thought you were gay!"

COLLEAGUE - shifting from one foot to the other
"Nah nah, not me mate"

ME
"So you don't like gays"

COLLEAGUE
"Nah, it's not that, i've got nothing against gays....I just don't like Gay Cowboys"

ME
!!!



How many gay cowboys could a slightly slow middle eastern man living in croydon have met?

So off I went to see some gay cowboy action with my delightful significant other. The cinema was pretty busy and our screen almost full. On arrival I scanned the room.
To my right were a large mixed group of 15-16 year olds, behind me a couple of lesbians in their early forties (the sexuality isn't an assumption based on elvis hairstyles and ill fitting slacks, they were talking loudly about 'their experiences' - the age is an assumption), in front sat three generations of one family, the eldest of which must have been about 75. So a broad and balanced mix of people.

I knew nothing about this film, other than the description of it as a

'gay western'.

It turns out that my other half knew even less and was very disappointed to see a 60's pick up truck in the first scene.

"I thought this was an old western...where are the injins?"
"No..it's set in 1960's-80's"
"I wouldn't have come if i'd known that...i love old westerns"

mmmmmmmmmmm, me thinking he don't quite get that we haven't come to see jeremiah jones.

So here we are watching a film which is being talked about as a gay western, if you know nothing else about this film you must know that it is about two men who have a relationship, yet when the first love scene is shown the teenagers laugh and mutter things like 'that's well gay' (for once, unlike the inanimate ruler or pencil tin, they have used the term in the appropriate context).
The lesbians coo and caw about how beautiful it is, the old people shuffle uncomfortably and I cry like a little baby.

Meanwhile, my other half is becoming increasingly irked by the lack of 'action' in the traditional western sense of the word

"I mean they didn't even try and fight that bear, a real cowboy would have done. they're not even herding cows either, it's bloody sheep"

I composed myself and continued to watch one of the most beautifully portrayed but ultimately tragic love stories I have ever seen unfold.

Perhaps it was because of recent events in my life, perhaps it was because of the saddnes I felt on behalf of some of my friends grappling with their sexuality, perhaps it was simply because i'm a sukker for a love story, whatever the reason I sobbed my little heart out from start to finish.

I highly recommend this film. YES it's slow and NO there are no sign of indians, gun fights, swinging saloon doors and busty wenches therein but it's very moving.

The sexuality of the central characters is not THE issue, in fact, certainly one of them simply wasn't gay! It is about two people who feel a connection, who communicate with one another in a way that they can't communicate with others, who are drawn to one another on an emotional and spiritual level, who feel passion for one another and express it in the most natural of ways. It is a classic love story.

The director has achieved something quite remarkable in that, as a viewer, you really believe the love that exists between these two men, and you really believe that it continues to grow deeper over a period of 20 years AND you want them to be together, you don't care that they are gay, you don't care what others will think, or even that they will leave their wives, you just want them to be togetether.

The film raised the following issues for me:

- why so many people do what is expected of them rather than what they truly feel is right for them
- how hard it must be to be part of a minority group in an area where your particular 'minority' are despised and even attacked
- whether i would be brave enough to challenege the recvieved wisdom of my family and community if it meant ostracising (!) myself and putting myself in danger
- how so many things conspire to complicate something as simple as love
- how so many people behave/don't behave in a certain way in the hope of being with god in some magical kingdom in the clouds, even if it means making huge sacrifices on earth - the only existence we can be SURE of
- The way in which we decieve ourselves and others

i know this is rushed and rambling but it's been a while since i blogged about anything so i need to get back in the saddle and slowly rebuild my blogging skills.

99% Persperation

Totally forgot about this little fella
spoke to grant today
he reminded me to blog

He also gave me 9-2 odds on it snowing in the south east at christmas

WHEN are we going to have a white christmas?

Last year
March....April...snow!!
but december?
November, January, February....Snow, but december??

does anyone else rather fancy gordon ramsey?

Make this white band history

Does anyone know how i can get rid of this irritating white band slashed across my blog?

Moral dilemma

You are on your way to buy a paper from the local newsagents.

Hanging around outside is a male chav of roughly 15 years of age
he waves a fiver in front of you and asks you to buy him 20 B&H (Cigarettes)
He can't get served because he is underage.

Do you buy them for him?

Countdown to Death

So Richard Whitely is dead.
Why does this upset me?

Buddha reckons that anytime you feel sadness over something someone has told you that is unrelated to you it is because it taps into some sadness you are experiencing anyway....so....conclusion, I must be sad!

But....hang on a minute....basement Jaxx are covering Kylie's "Can't get you outta my head" at Glasters and it is a really good cover so that's picked us (Thistle and I) up out of the doldrums.

Talking of Buddha
The notion behind Buddhism
as I understand it
is that you have to find happiness within yourself
rather than depend on other people for happiness
whoever they might be

Is this really possible?
What makes you happy?


Thistle wants me to call this post "The Conundrum"
I don't want to.

Withering Prose

Ok....so I was reading my cousin Frank's blog the other day and he has a post all about books including - How thick his collection is, those that mean a lot to him etc etc and I have decided (prompted by cousin Frank) to do my own run down.

1. Number of books I own:
This is a tough one. I'm a bit of a hoarder and particularly like having plenty of books around. However, at the moment I haven't. Having recently separated from my husband most of my books remain at 'our' flat. On top of this I have dumped a load of books in my dad's attic until such time as I have something more than a shoebox to live in. So.....are you still there?...I have, here now, in my flat, only about 200 books, but, in total I reckon (including those bought jointly with Richard...what's mine is his, and his mine...or was!) about 600 ish.

2. Last book I Bought:
"Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour" by Kate Fox. I bought this whilst at Waterloo station having just met my brother from Eurostar. I dragged him into WH Smith to buy him a sudoku puzzle book (he contained his excitement) and, from there, he bought "A year in the Merde" which, I gather, is about an Englishman's experiences and observations of living in Paris (as my brother does). This was a great opportunity for Steve to tell me some hilarious tales of misinterpretations and misunderstandings between him and 'The French' (though for some of them I don't think you really needed to be French...I think he was just being a little unclear). Anyway...and I bought this!

3. Last book I read:
"Woody Allen's Complete Prose" - Funny, tiring, hard work, clever, dark and woody allenlike!

4. Five books that mean a lot to me:

a)"Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte".
A rather dark but moving love story....I'm sure I don't need to go on...we all know it! I just love this novel. I love the notion that there really is one person who is your soul mate. Who, without, you become broken hearted and die;

"Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

Heathcliff passionatley pleading with Catherine not to leave him after she has died. Altogether now.....

b) "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.
Again...we all know the tale. A morality tale - the best kind! But that's not why I love it. Firstly and simply, I love Christmas and no Christmas is complete without reading this. Secondly and more importantly (in terms of why it means a lot to me) my dad always used to read Dickens to me as a child. I loved Dickens when most kid's were enjoying 'My cat likes to hide in Boxes'. Anyone who knows my dad, knows that he is a rather eccentric but lovable old chap. He exists on that line between genius and insanity (though he rather plays up to the insanity bit). His love of literature and his ability to recall and retell stories he has read/heard over the past 70 years is a hugely endearing quality. He loves Dickens (as I do) because of the fantastic and vivid characterisation and he's not far off being a Dickens character himself. So....because I love Christmas and I love my dad and the happy memories of him it evokes, I include this book!

c)"A Theory of Justice" by John Rawls
I didn't particularly enjoy reading this book but it means a lot to me because it forms the basis of my Masters in Political Philosophy. I'll be honest, I struggled with it, but when I finally grasped it I felt an enourmous sense of achievement and, though I don't agree with all Rawls rambles on about, I found his theory interesting.

d) "Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger
Just love the way it is written. Excellent opening paragraph:

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

Angst ridden teenage years. Thankfully I no longer exist in that time, but I lived it once and I identified with this book...so, it appears here now.

e) "Tony Benn Diaries: Free at Last! 1991-2001"
Introduced to me by my ex-husband this is a most moving, humorous and intersting book. As always (with such political diaries) I am interested more in the human emotion than the stuff of party politics and Tony Benn writes with bucketloads of it. His account of the illness and death of his beloved wife Caroline moved me to tears and his critique of 'New Labour' had me racked with cognitive dissonance. A truly principled man and a great read!

I gather the idea is now to pass the baton on and nominate someone to publish their own book run-down. I nominate Grant, Richard and Dom.

ps: Since not being with Richard (who was mr techno) I have reverted to being a complete techno incompetent. Can't seem to link, so addresses below refer to above blogs:

Frank = www.internetcommentator.typepad.com
Grant = www.hawkesmorenomore.blogspot.com
Thistle = www.thistlebright.blogspot.com
Dom = www.shoethesaviour.blogspot.com

ps: I'm excited by the prospect of doing a 'film' version of this. This may cause upset amongst the intellectually snobbish, but I say, just for the fun of it, let's do it! All in favour, Post!