Swan V's Mini Cooper
Victor Meldrew, Larry David, Will Self and Maurice Ently. Today I joined the ranks of grumpy old men, despite being a young, not too grumpy, woman.
We awoke to a beautifully crisp sunday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and we decided to go out for a nice leisurely walk around Box Hill (which is a 20 min drive away). We jumped into my, on it's last legs, old style (ie; actually mini) mini cooper and hit the road in good spirits.
About 10 mins into our journey we trundled along a bog standard residential street to find a middle aged WI type in a red cardigan directing traffic from the route we intended to take, right up an unmade road with homemade speedbumps which, no matter how slow i went, scraped the shit out of the bottom of my car. I was fucked off - fucking spedbumps, don't get me started, this blog is about something else that irks me.
I drove over one, saw a few more ahead and decided to turn back to insist on driving ahead as we intended. The reason we couldn't go ahead was because there was a swan SITTING in the middle of the road....A SWAN!!!!
As you can imagine - the local villigers hadn't been so excited since mrs miggins cat got stuck in her bush! They were all out in full force. Old women with twin sets and pearls, old men in wellingtons and wax jackets, middle aged men in cardigans still living with mummy and daddy and.....worst of all....one of those community volunteer officers in his 'please take me seriously' flourescent waistcoat.
In a controlled rage i approached Mrs Miggins - now fully recovered - and Special cuntstubble gareth and began;
"I cannot take this alternative route as it is seriously damaging the underside of my car, can't we just beep the horn or shoo it out of the way?"
Look of horror on both faces
"Well no, we can't scare him, we have called the RSPCA and they are on their way"
"When did you call them?"
"About 10 minutes ago"
"And when do you expect them?"
"Well tey said it was a code 1 situation"
"Is that like code red"
"What's code red?"
"I don't know...it doesn't matter, can't I just drive around it?"
"No it will be too frightening for the poor little fella"
"Ok..do you think that woman in the red cardigan would be willing to pay my garage bill?"
"I don't think that is standard protocol in this situation"
I give up. I get back into car. I rev my engine in anger and in the hope that it will shift the swan - the swan doesn't move - in fact, I think he looks smugly at me as he settles down for the duration.
I headed back the way we came and we changed out plans and went elsewhere.
It got me thinking about English people. On the whole we are complete and utter cunts. 'A nation of animal lovers', a country with the highest divorce rates in europe and those not divorced often live quietly miserable lives. Why? because we are emotionally retarded, the 'stiff upper lip', put on a brave face, lie back and think of england (quite literally get shafted and put up with it, it's your duty) all these cliches associated with 'The English'
If we, as a nation, cared as much for one another (and could express it) as we do for bloody animals then we would be a lot better for it.
Why should the whole of Leatherhead be put out for the sake of a stupid swan. We ARE more important and our needs should come first. Ok, perhaps I wouldn't have run it over, but the whole softly softly, don't scare it bollocks was too much.
We all sit down and munch on a juicy bit of cow, whilst wearing them on our shoes and backs, we are oh so grateful when medicine tested on animals serves us well but a whole village comes to a halt when a dumb bird can't be arsed to fly away. Let's not hurt him because he looks beautiful.....ok, would we have ben as bothered if it was a rat?
I think not.